14 October 2008

Letter 3.64

(Atleast there were some bits of world-shaking news to pass the time, judging from the clippings stuck to his next letter. 'Even someone who falls off a 15-story building bounces a little bit when he hits the sidewalk'. 'Under Taiwan's martial law proceedings, defendants are not regarded as innocent unless proven guilty'. Visa problems, no doubt: 'The numbers of Sumatran rhinoceros are dwindling fast and there are only about 4O left in Malaysia,' 'There is no report of progress, but there is also no report of no progress,' said a spokesman for the union. 'We live in a complex world. Some may be saying, We want out. But this is 1981. The complications are the price of civilization as we know it. You can't get out.' ISRAEL FOR EVERYONE. -- Hūm)

Yes, I'm still waiting for it (the f/Future!). How much longer, please? I remain in Thailand (as a samanera, by the way, got rid of some baggage in Bangkok, but picked up a new name -- a lighter carrying-case -- Bodhesako; where do I put it now?), but things are still precarious.

My mother, who has been in poor and failing health for years, has now had to be put in a home because her mental state has deteriorated and my father, exhausted, can no longer care for her. He is very pained by the whole situation. They (he, my sister, and presumably my mother) want me to return, perhaps for some prolonged (years?) deathbed vigil, and I am reluctant to do so, for obvious reason although I love them all and feel in many ways that I ought to go in spite of my own feelings that it would be a perilous journey -- and one that would only add more pain and complications to the situation. I don't know what to do; it may depend on what pressure is put upon me. There's nothing they can say that won't make me fee guilty (even that they don't need me) -- how cleverly we arrange our lives -- but obviously some techniques are more effective than others. I'm not unhappy where I am, aside from this matter, and fear I'd be most unhappy, indeed, in L.A., but it's entirely possible I will go anyway. My father has given his all, and, I'm told, is aging rapidly. It's a difficult and painful matter, perhaps least for me but there it is. And my interests are divided so neatly in such a way that every decision seems to be the wrong one.

Meanwhile, visa hassles continue but, because of the robes, may have a satisfactory resolution.


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